This life is never the end

By Ngor Khot Garang

Each night I wet my pillow with tears and during the day when I try to have a little nap after a painful sleepless night, tears could not let me sleep.  The load gets harder and the door in front slams before me which only amounts to crying more. Sometimes, I sit alone each day and gaze at the sky to see if anything more than my daily weights would catch my attention. I would wait to see if the sky will be kind enough to change those beautiful clouds into hope written in capital letters. But all in all and with a heart that is half-broken, I watch opportunities fading and gently gliding away to a much farer distant that I can’t even imagine. I watch those beautiful clouds gulping my dreams and the spirit of fear strike my whole body like a thunderbolt. I feel like an outcast and so are many young people who are facing one problem or the other.

Where will I be few hours later, in the evening or even tomorrow? What does the future have in store for me? Will I break through this painful life? Will I ever celebrate my victory? Am i going to overcome this or exit this unfathomable pit? I could not find an answer to the question I asked myself, isn’t it funny? I recall my unhappy childhood and those words that were said that if it did not started well from the beginning, be assured that your future is great. But for how long, I have waited for a long time now and it is not adding up, what is happening?  Now I watch a future that is almost unreal, a world that is facing me with sharpened teeth. What is my position and what am I doing here? I remember those hard days and a future with vivid picture. My parents had wished me to have a life better than what they are currently living and am now wishing and my unborn children will do the same. But how, I don’t even know if those kids will ever be born. It is never easy with me not unborn children. For what use shall I hold these tears?  How I wish I had the power to tell those unborn children to be better prepared for the world they are coming to.

I know some will refuse and others will come while knowing that, life is a story that is hard to narrate. I believe you may not take it hyperbole if I say,  we as human beings regardless of where we are,  what we eat or the amount of money we have in the bank,  are in the same boat and we are being held by the same fabric and each of us wrestle with life every day.  I hope no one can deny that, life forgives no one whether you are a child, widow or a person with disabilities. We must accept life the way it is and mind our own business even when it gives us lemons. I am not the only person who is downtrodden and badly pressed by life; many South Sudanese including those with nice cars are undergoing the same experience. Sometimes we think that they who have got almost everything are the fulfilled ones and that they are the happiest ones but it is not like that. Life is challenging for everyone and it is more than what you think if you are in South Sudan.

Life is bitter to everyone even those that we assume to be the happiest in life. It is a mindset not of South Sudanese alone but every human being that those who drive nice cars are the happiest people around. That is not true at all,  these people that we loathed  and condemned for having robbed us of our happiness are just hollow inside and there is something in their hearts that money,  cars,  or a beautiful bungalow can’t fill. There is something that they always look up for. We may condemn or even judge a happy and nicely dressed gentleman or a young lady you meet on the road with imagination that they are the fulfilled ones or from a well to do families.

But if our eyes are to be opened to see through people,   we would see tears and hopelessness behind those smiling faces and pain inside those nice clothes. Nothing is as heavy as this pain weighs; many people would forge smile on their faces  when they are really crying inside and we would think that they are the corrupt or the fulfilled people when they are truly not. Let us not be judgmental because all that we meet on our way are going through the same pain and others are fighting the same battle as you do. It is only that South Sudanese are resilience and people of indistinguishable hope but we have a lot of reasons to always cry for what we are going through.

When we meet a little child  carrying sweets for sell and at the end of the day he/ she goes home with less than  50 South Sudanese pounds  and he/she will still be motivated to rise up with an empty stomach in the following morning  to go hawking his sweets even when knowing that nobody will buy his sweets. This is what we call hope and it is what keeps most of the South Sudanese going every day, even in the face of daunting difficulties,  we still gobble hope that never comes. Therefore, if you have nothing now and your neighbors has it. Don’t feel like you are left behind. You never know what those people have gone through to become who they are.

I don’t know if you have ever seen a beautiful necklace made out of gold or diamond.  Do you know the process the gold or diamond has to go through to become a shiny necklace?  If you have seen or yet, then you better understand that there is no such thing as success without challenges.  How can we make it in life without problems?  Problems give us strength and a lot of reasons to do our best. Don’t ever think of giving up, it is sorrow now and success later. Remain the way you are, don’t turn into something else and refuse to be somebody that you are not meant to be. It is there in life that challenges are going to invade you from every window of life that you think of shot cuts.  But if you are reading this, don’t take shot cuts.  You will reach your destination no matter how slow you walk.

We just need to keep trying even when we are not so sure that would work because there is purpose in doing that. There is joy in shedding those tears because at the end of the day, you will look back and feel proud of yourself. We have to know that we are humans and the only way to achieve our desired goals is to pass through a lot of difficulties that sometimes make us questions the existence of God. Just enjoy those moments of pain and be assured that your breakthrough is underway.

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