By Malek Arol Dhieu

I was going to specialize in Trafficology, the science that deals with all the illnesses of traffic police officers, but because they are never greeted with empty hands-on duty, but greeted with a fist pregnant with money, I’ve changed my specialization because the drivers, riders and cyclists break the traffic rules the way the want so long the traffic police officers don’t see them but see what they are holding.

I was going to specialize in Technology, the branch that deals with how the effects of chalk, paints of the chalkboards, and behaviours of indiscipline students and delay of salaries are treated, but I’m hearing rumours that teachers use to sell exams in order to solve some of the aforesaid effects. Because selling exams is too unethical in the teaching profession, I have changed my mind completely because I can’t treat people who abuse their profession.

I was going to specialize in Taxaelogy, the branch concerned with the study of how taxes are properly collected and channelled to where they are supposed to be channelled to, and how lives of disciplined tax collectors are lengthened, but because tax collectors divert taxes to their own bank accounts despite the government’s effort to install digital tax collection, I can’t be a taxaelogist to treat thieves, stealing on a large scale.

I was going to specialize in Corruptology and Tribalogy, the study of how plateaus of corruption and tribalism are flattened, but because corrupt individuals and tribalists immediately kill doctors after being diagnosed with corruption and tribalism, I can’t accept to be a cryptologist to die young.

I was going to specialize in Traceology, the study of how unknown gunmen are traced out, but because tracing out unknown gunmen is money-spinning and anything to do with money is what makes unknown gunmen kill people, I may trace them out today and tomorrow I’m gunned down. No, I can’t just dig my own grave like that.

I was going to specialize in weekend log, the study of how tragedies of weekends are sorted out as it is rumoured that a weekend bill is going to be debated and passed in the Parliament, but because ‘short time and long time’ are the ones which are done only on weekends, I can’t treat spoilers of future.

I was going to specialize in Politickology, the branch concerned with the study of how diseases of divisive politics are treated, but because there is no permanent enemy and permanent friend in politics, I can’t become a Politickologist to treat people who behave like boys.

I was going to specialize in implementology, the branch concerned with the study of how decisions and agreements are quickly implemented, but because the implementers are resistant to voices that call for implementation, and always resort to ignorance, I can’t specialize in this field to treat people who survive on violence.

Ultimately, I have realized that all these diseases originate from one source, and this source is salary. Therefore, I have finally decided to specialize in Salariology, the branch concerned with the monthly payment of salaries.

The author is a medical student, University of Juba. 

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